GETTING THROUGH HARD DAYS IN YOUR MARRIAGE
So, now to “Getting Through the Hard Days in Your Marriage.”
1. Duck.
2. Sleep it off.
3. Play dumb.
4. I am kidding on all of the above.
I believe I would have felt I had a better answer to this before children. After children, I feel as if my emotions are residing in my throat, so any chance of “slowing my roll” before speaking seems to take more effort than it used to.
Saying that, this is what I know to be true regardless of living it 100% or not.
Give Respect – whether you’re feeling it or not, respect the relationship, respect the commitment, respect the person, and respect yourself. If you need to blow off steam, call a friend who is neutral and won’t fire up the torches and raise the pitchfork.
Listen – don’t just hear… listen. A lot that is said is never heard, especially in relationships. I don’t know if this is because we are waiting for keywords or pauses so that we can start on our soapbox, or just our brains glitching. Regardless, listen. You may hear things that you don’t like, but I can almost guarantee something will be said that can help you become a better partner and person.
Empathize – this is a huge one for me. SHOW SOME EMPATHY. Just do it. Sometimes it isn’t about advice or lecturing or your opinion or your feelings. Sometimes it is just about showing some empathy.
Shift – use hard times as an opportunity to be better, do better, rise above the level of just being okay or enough or whatever you’d like to call it. I almost crave moments when I am able to shift. Going through it is oftentimes uncomfortable or challenging but I always feel a high on the other side.
Take Space – Give yourself permission to create boundaries or request space. If you are not at your finest and the choices are a) ask for time to process and circle back around on your own timeline, or b) let loose on an unprepared and most likely underserving person, please choose A.
Speak with Only Facts and Leave Emotion Out of the Convo – This is another big one for me. I can’t help you if you chose to make up shit I didn’t say. And I can’t help you if you decide you don’t like the reality of what just happened so you choose to deflect with another made up thing that never exited my mouth. I choose my words well and wisely. I don’t embellish, insert heavy emotions, tiptoe around what is really going on. It drives people who love to pick a fight bonkers but man, learning to do this is gold.
Learn the Power of Apologizing – I love apologizing. I don’t think I used to because I always sensed that I had to regardless of something being my fault or not. Once I learned that I don’t have to but have the choice to, all things changed. Now, I feel empowered by owning my part in something that didn’t play out right. Sometimes with an explanation. Sometimes with nothing but, “Hey, that was wrong of me. I am sorry.”
I apologize to my babies on the daily since birth over the most random of things. I invite them to apologize when one should be given but I do not make them say it. (A forced apology will never be an apology.)
I apologize to my husband… all the time… for the big and the small… and some things that I don’t even see until they are pointed out.
I do not apologize for things I did not do, mean, or anything else someone wants to stick on my shoulders that I had no part in. That is something they need to work out for themselves.
Learn the Difference Between Caring and Responsibility – You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, health, wellness, etc. You can’t fix them, change them, save them. They must want to do those things themselves, for themselves.
“But…” was always my response every time this was handed to me. And the response back was always, “You can love someone, you can care for them… but you are ultimately not responsible for them. And you will live a very unhappy and unhealthy life if you chose to live everyone else for them. It is that simple.”
Embrace It – Always end the night with a hug. Let the day go. Understand that a version of this will happen again and when it does, you can choose to be better in that moment than you were in today’s.
Most of these didn’t come from me but were taught to me by a wise, amazing man who has now left this earth. I have put them into practice most of my days these past years and have seen the differences it has made in my world. I hope this helps someone.
Thank you, Norman Shub. I love you and am forever in your debt.
— The Essentialyst