MOTHERHOOD

I wasn't the new mother who didn't shower or have crazy 8-day-old hair. Instead, I wore makeup when I wanted to, showered regularly, and other than a sweet bald spot from post-pregnancy hair loss, sported pretty good hair most days.

Sure, I didn't go get mani/pedi's, but I never really did that much pre-kids. 

I had a support team that I didn't put to use until way late. Dumb.

I had friends who invited me out, offered to come over, etc. Did I take anyone up on it? Nope. 

It wasn't until everyone put their foot down and I let my guard down that things didn't seem so heavy.

I slept with them, napped beside them, and breastfed them simultaneously. I was full-on motherhood.

One backward way of caring for myself was adopting this thing I dubbed '3 Days to Shift'. It was a pattern I found myself in, and once I recognized the repetition of what I was doing, it became my golden ticket to fewer headaches. 

For example, on night one, I felt myself coming unhinged because I couldn't get baby boy to stay asleep no matter what tricks I used. 

I would go from sleepy-annoyed to frustrated to anxious (because I was stressing out about the other babe waking up) to mad. (This is when I start silently cussing myself out for agreeing that Dad should sleep in another room after month 2). From there, I would hit flipping-pissed-out-of-my-mind (all emotion is now solely directed at Dad, blaming him for all of history's woes), and finally, to relieved (when the babe fell back asleep).

Night two would go something like this — repeat night one scenario, but somewhere along the way, the record would skip — and I would realize it was skipping —and that awareness would snap me out of that maddening, unhealthy progression and into reframing the situation. 

I would start to break down where I was wasting energy — A) non-productive negative emotions, B) visualizing the beatdown I would give my sleeping husband the following day, C) actively choosing to resent being awake, thus prolonging my agony.

From there, I would tell myself that this WILL happen again, and my only choice is to make something great out of it next time. So I would.

Night 3 came, the baby woke up (sometimes two babies), and I would pop right up with a smile on my face, hold a quiet conversation, give kisses and nuzzles, turn on the constellation machine that would revolve lights around my bedroom while I watch their little faces light up with awe. 

I was able to witness many firsts in these scenarios because I was present and focused. And I was happy to be awake, holding my babes in that quiet space. Sometimes this would go on until the wee hours of the morning.

Was it ideal? No, but it gave me pleasure because I held the space to allow it to be something other than inconvenient and less than perfect.

And that is '3 Days to Shift'. I use it a lot. A lot, a lot. 

I understand the unconventionalness of the answer, but it is at the top of my 'How To's"

Others that are on my list:

- Lean on your support system early on.

- Share yourself, your time, and your space. Don't make yourself an island. It makes you hard to reach.

- Pencil yourself into your own life. Whatever you long to do, please do it. Don't put it off. The babes will not grow that much in the hour or two — or three — you may be gone.

- Find that sweet spot in your day to shower and tidy up. It's there… you just aren't seeing it yet. 

- Try not to embrace the whole "you're a new mom, you should be frazzled." (Moms, you can all turn on me right now, but I'd like to call bullshit. I am not saying that we won't or don't get frazzled but buying into it like it's our birthright and carrying the flag around 24 hours a day is only writing the story for ourselves. I would much rather my story sound the opposite of frazzled.)

- Respect the time you have with your new person(s). It is such a mind-blowing gift. When I sit and think about it on a macro level, it brings such a distinct sensation to my body that I can't put it into words. It is the closest thing to mediation that I do, and it brings me a crazy amount of joy.

- Trust in your children. They are made of sturdier stuff than we give them credit for. 

- If you are too worried about all the things, then you're going to be missing all the things. SO STOP WORRYING ABOUT SHIT THAT MAY NEVER GO DOWN. (Doing this will save you $1000s at the plastic surgeon's office, by the way.)

I could write about this all night, but I will leave it right here and say good night. I hope all the new moms find restful sleep, and if not, please give your babies kisses for me under the light of the moon.

— The Essentialyst